Well, well ,well if it isn't little Miss Maria crawling back to xanga after over a year...

I need to vent, and truthfully I can't really do that anywhere else without getting into trouble, so here we go:

So, a little more than a year ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years.  It was kind of a big deal.  There were so many reasons that we shouldn't have been together, but the main reason I broke up with him was that we were never together, and I had found someone else who made me feel amazing.  I hadn't acted on my feelings, I'm not that kind of girl, but I felt it necessary to tell him that I couldn't lie to myself or him anymore.  I was in love with my best friend... HER name is Che'Risse.  I know, right! I was surprised, too. 

I was raised believing that "it's ok to be gay!".  But I guess once I started showing interest in boys that my mother thought that it wouldn't be an issue.  So when I came out to her, I expected her to be really surprised, but not mad.  Mad is what I got, mad and disgusted and ashamed.  She didn't speak to me for over a month.  That hurt more than anyone can ever express, to have the person you most seek approval from not only disapprove, but also abandon you in the infancy of something quite so huge in my life, ripped out my heart. 

While I was not speaking to my mother, Che'Risse was joining a sorority.  Which I made fun of her shamelessly for.  I was not a sorority kind of girl, and neither was she really.  After Che'Risse became an actual member of this sorority and one of our other roommates had also joined, so my two best friends were part of an organization I was not a part of.  I ended up hanging out with the other girls in the sorority quite a bit, and they were quite pleasant. Not at all what I had expected from a sorority.  So when Spring Rush came around, I decided to join.  I fell in love with this organization.  It personified soooooo much of what I believe in, and what I want to be.  (this is an honorary service sorority, so I'm not talking about party punch being my passion in life).  It wasn't easy to make it through my process... the process of becoming a member that is, but it was all worth it to be announced... to be un-masked in front of an entire room full of my "Sisters" and "Brothers".  To be told that I now had a new, second family and that we stood up for one another and we took care of one another. 

Last semester at the end of the semester once everything finally settled down after my process, I started attending weekly chapter meetings, and I began to see quite how disorganized the organization that I had joined actually was.  And nobody was talking about them to the people who needed to be addressed, mostly because of the fact that those people were either pigheaded or hyper-emotional and nothing would be done even if something was said.  So we decided to bring in an older Sister from another school to hold a communication workshop.  Kianna helped as much as she could, but we were/are a mess.  So when we got around to the fact that Che'Risse and I were a couple, she asked if anyone thought that we brought our relationship into Chapter. 

At this point every last one of my sisters looked at us and said that we had, I got really defensive really quickly... I had been fighting for this relationship non-stop for at least 3 months at this point.  They said that we were far too affectionate in public while wearing sorority paraphernalia.  We had been together for 3 months, but that affection had been pent up for almost 2 years... I just wanted to kiss her all the time, I didn't want to be out of an arms reach of her, because she was finally mine... and they were saying that I was going too far.  This with some time, made sense to me.  I realized that in order for us to function within the sorority and actually get stuff done, we would need to be apart.  They also said that us sitting next to each other all the time was objectionable, this rubbed me the wrong way.  It wasn't as if we didn't get what needed to be done, done.   This is where I started feeling like there was some homophobia circulating in the room. 

It was then stated that we should cut down on the PDA, and that we would be seated in officer order from then on during meetings. 

Fast forward to last night in chapter:

Chapter is called to a close, and my Line Sister (the only other girl who rushed at the same time I did, and I spent most of my time with last semester) says, "Wait , before we leave we need to talk about something."  So we all sit back in our seats, and she says... Che'Risse, Maria, we talked about PDA and on Thursday Che'Risse was wearing her Letters and you were holding hands. 

 

HOLDING HANDS!!!!

 

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!?!?

 

I hold hands with my 3 year old 2nd cousin, I hold hands with my 83 year old grandfather, I hold hands with my 18 year old little sister, and you are saying that this is an inappropriate public display of affection?!?!?!?  And then they have the audacity to say that it has nothing to do with our sexual orientation, despite the fact that during the meeting one of the sisters says that if her boyfriend were part of the chapter AND were a girl she wouldn't hold hands with her in public.... this is ridiculous... I live on one of the most liberal campuses in the Southeast and You are telling me that I can't hold hands with my girlfriend?!!? NO!

As, I came around last night after the initial shock of being told that I was violating some of the qualities that each sorority member is supposed to embody--namely having high moral standards--I realized that this summer when we met I had asked for guidelines, I was still upset about being told that my behavior was unacceptable in May, and I had asked that there be clear guidelines about what can and cannot be done in sorority Paraphernalia.  And I never saw any rules, so I had ceased kissing Che'Risse on the cheek in public, I had ceased hugging her and sitting on her lap in public.  But, I had not ceased to hold her hand in public, feeling that it was innocuous, and so universal that it would not be considered inappropriate.  And now they were scolding me for some rules that had not been made clear at any time.

 

 

so that was my night last night, oh did I mention that I had a 9'o clock exam this morning... I went with my eyes swollen half-shut from crying and probably bombed it b/c there was no studying going on last night, just bawling, because my closest friends in the world, were homophobic assholes, who want me to hide who I am when I represent them.

 

 

 

I'm not sure I should write this down....

I'm hurt, and this situation is so damn complicated.

I met Che'Risse about 2 and a half years ago at a summer camp for kids interested in science. 

Che'Risse is bisexual, and hey I don't have a problem with that, go her.  My boyfriend started complaining that I wasn't calling very much and that I was ignoring his calls.  But I had made friends, like real friends, in a matter of 2 weeks. I was so psyched.  These were the people I belonged with, people with brains, who liked playing german card games and "Rent".  I fit in somewhere for once and Che'Risse was my best friend.

Ok so some extra backstory is needed here, I come from an extremely physical lot.  My sisters and I are constantly sitting on one another, I hold hands with my little sister still, and well I'm a hugger when it comes down to it. 

So it was nothing to me to sit on Che'Risse's lap or play with her hair, or cuddle up under a blanket watching a movie. 

This led to some very mixed signals, as you can imagine.  Che'Risse is also a  hugger, but I mean I doubt there are many out there who orient touch with fondness quite as much as I do, so it should be of no surprise to anyone that a crush was developed.  The crazy thing.... I kind of felt it to, I couldn't figure out if I was confused or if it was real, or if I was just trying to make her happy because I liked her so much. 

Camp ended, and everyone fell out of touch.  Well everyone except Che'Risse and me.  We spoke on the phone every night and well she had become my best friend so quickly that we had so much to talk about, but there was constantly an elephant in the room.  At one point I even confronted it, we had very obviously reached and blurred the line between relationship and friendship, which made me feel all the more guilty, because not only was I leading her on, I had a boyfriend who I was ga-ga over.  I let her know that I was scaring myself, and I was no longer sure of what or who I was.  She was very supportive, but who in that situation wouldn't have been?

Obviously, I was beginning to have some trouble with justifying my relationship with Che'Risse so I decided I would start calling less.  I would call Che'Risse about once a month to catch up, and we always kind of picked up where we had left off, we just got each other in a strange way.

I got into Carolina.

I called my grandparents, then my boyfriend, then I called Che'Risse.  Her sister attends UNC and was in the marching band, which I was considering, and well I was just so darn excited.  I was jumping up and down and running around the house on the phone with Che'Risse.  I calmed down about an hour later and she got really quiet... and finally came out about it, she had a girlfriend.  I congratulated her profusely.  Maybe this would fix our elephant, I thought. 

It didn't.

I got to Carolina and well I got very lonely, I was in my room most of the time and wasn't talking to much of anyone, so I started calling Che'Risse on a regular basis, and after a while it became an every night thing.  When she came to campus the first time to see her sister, I was beyond excited, my bff was on my campus and I hadn't seen her in over a year. 

I hugged her for over a minute, she said she didn't mind.  I was glad she didn't mind, because she got me. 

But that weird feeling kept bubbling up in my gut.  I hadn't felt it in a while, but it was definitely an infatuation.  So what now?  Am I bisexual? maybe???

fast forward 4 months, Che'Risse complains that she always has to come see me, I quip back "what do you want me to do hitch a ride to your house?"  She replied with a challenge that I would never come to her house.  So I went.  That feeling had started fading, that bubbling fizzy feeling in my stomach, she was just my "biffel". 

She got into Carolina.

I got so psyched that I was again jumping around the house.  My biffel was gonna come to my school.  Where we could hang out.... in person!!! We both decided to join the Marching Tarheels. 

After about a month of being inseparable, Che'Risse says it,"I like you Maria".  How to respond? I know what I was thinking,"SHIT"  after months of justifying my relationship with Che'Risse to my boyfriend--that we were just friends, it had been a weird phase, it had passed, we had both moved on---this.  This didn't help the fact that I was ignoring the little bubble starting to form in my stomach again. 

I finally told my boyfriend that it wasn't a fluke, I really had liked Che'Risse.  He flipped out.  He wasn't upset that I was "bi"--he was upset that i had had a crush on someone other than him.  At least that is what he said.  From that point on, he referred to my sexuality as being in question, not as being a solid thing, an elusive ever-changing thing, or maybe he thinks it is all in my head and that I will eventually come to my senses... I don't know. 

I was having problems keeping myself from spending every waking moment with Che'Risse.  And several times, we put ourselves in some pretty awkward positions, nothing ever happened though.  We never kissed, we never crossed a line I wouldn't with my sisters.  I told my boyfriend about this situation--the elephant was back.  I kept telling myself that this was for the best, we have to be open about everything, I have to be able to talk to him about anything, no matter how uncomfortable. 

Things kept getting worse the more I tried to make it better.  Her girlfriend would call and Che'Risse would walk away in order to truthfully deny my presence.  I didn't understand why she was so secretive about me being in her presence...I always told John that I was with Che'Risse, even if it meant getting a "Why are you with her all the time?"  I put myself in the line of fire on a constant basis, and she wasn't willing to--she was embarrassed of me.  This was all backwards, wasn't I the one who had her sexuality and identity turned upsidedown?  Wasn't I the one being goaded as a "lesbian" by my boyfriend and my mother and sister for months before she finally snapped and told her boyfriend?  Wasn't I the one who was in a relationship from the beginning, who had been risking so much for this friendship?  and she was embarrassed of me. 

I got fed up, and told her I was gonna leave her alone, she was obviously having problems dealing with the fact that I was around, so I would remove the problem by removing myself.  I told her I was tired of being considered "the other girl" by her girlfriend, and tired of being suspected of cheating by my boyfriend all of the time.  I would leave.  She asked me not to.  She made me laugh.  She gave me a hug and said, " but you are my biffel".

I did some thinking, why was I treating Che'Risse any different than anyone else? Just because she was bisexual didn't give me the right to treat her differently.  I didn't have a problem restraining myself from flirting with anyone else--so why was I making this a big deal?  I changed the category in which Che'Risse fit in my mind.  She is my sister.  No matter how much she wanted to be anything else... she could only be my sister.  It was settled.  It was hard to do... but I did it.

Fall Break

I got back last night, and didn't call Che'Risse, I knew she would get back late. Her mom is always late, god love her.  I studied for my Chemistry exam, called my boyfriend and went to sleep.  This morning I was excited to see Che'Risse because she just got a perm and she has been complaining about her hair for the past month.  I saw her and gave her a hug, I got no real response.  We hung-out for about an hour between classes today, and after class I decided that before I went to the library that I would go to the dining hall and call Che'Risse to see if she wanted to get some food too.  I texted her and told her that I was eating at the dining hall... she was eating in her room and her roommate was asleep.  I told her jokingly , "well I'm eating alone, and I'm awake".  I got no response.  I was a little hurt.  I sent another "I guess that is a no"... and got back "What? am I supposed to come to you?" now I was more than a little hurt.  What the hell is going on? "No" .... "Are you coming to my dorm?"... "I mean I don't have to if you don't want me to... I just figured"... "I was plannin on chillin til 3" "Oh, well I'll leave you alone for some quiet time then"... "call me when  you leave the library"..."kk"

So I went and studied.  after 5 hours in the Graduate Library I decided to go home.  I called Che'Risse like she had asked me to... she was on south campus with Qunesha, and made it very obvious that she wasn't interested in seeing me again today. 

Now I'm no expert, but who does that to a friend?  Especially their best friend?  I mean... I understand I'm being a little oversensitive, but I mean, this friendship is something I have been fighting for. 

"I'm just trying to minimize my time with you, considering our situation.  Especially after a weekend with my lady"

I'm not throwing myself at her... I'm not flirting mercilessly... I'm being myself, and laughing with her... I'm not a whore...

So it's awkward... We've done awkward many a time before.... Our friendship seems to have a cycle... it's shorter for her than it is for me but ... a cycle nonetheless of our feelings going over a line... but nothing has ever happened.... and I don't plan for anything to ever happen... I have about 20 times more on the line if it does... I've been with the same guy for 5 years now... I'm totally in love with him and I want to marry him... and maybe even have children (2) with him... I'm not "out and proud".... I've never had a girlfriend... Che'Risse isn't exactly the "lets jump into a serious relationship type"  I'd have to deal with dating for a while... that is if she even told her girlfriend... I would not be able to keep that from my boyfriend... never....

I very apparently have some separation issues, but I have fought so hard... with everyone... why on earth would she think that it is ok for her to all of a sudden begin blowing me off..... I'm not even asking for physical contact... I just want my friend...

I hope this works itself out...

Maria Out

Don't you love the first day after a cold that you feel back to normal?  That is my day today, I woke up this morning saying that today would be a good day.  It has been in general. Although I am still a bit upset that my mother and my two little sisters went to Disney World without me.... this is the first time they have gone and I haven't.  Disney World, no matter how extremely cheesy it sounds, is one of my favorite places on EARTH! I have been places, I am pretty well traveled for a 19 year old, but seriously, who can beat Epcot and the Magic Kingdom? No one- that's who. 

I always steal cookies from the dining hall.  The chocolate chocolate chip kind... oh they are so good, especially when they are doughy, tonight I only took one, because I feel like I'm gaining weight.  That is probably the last thing anyone would think I should be thinking about when they look at me.... but seriously, I have always had the body that I wanted. I don't know what to do with a body that isn't picture perfect. 

I am fluorescent.  I am so white that you can see the veins in my chest when I wear low cut shirts.  I am clear.  My legs are so white that I get looks from people when I wear shorts, like "holy shit she's white".

I am 5'1".  I am short.  I like being short most of the time.  I always felt that it was in some way to my advantage to be short.  Boys were never intimidated by my size, and most people find me fairly approachable I think.  I like being short, except for on laundry day, when I have to use the upper dryers in the laundry room and to get my socks out I have to drag a chair over.  I like being short until I have to climb in and out of my loft bed 10 times because I forgot my watch, and my glasses, and my phone, and my socks, and my water bottle.  Most of the time though, I like being short.  Being short is the best when you get hugs, and it allows me to still pull off being cute, despite my age.

My grandmother is overzealous.  My grandmother is a gardener.  My grandmother loves purple.  My grandmother is Episcopalian.  My grandmother is racist.  My grandmother is judgmental.  I love her despite all of these things, because ultimately she is my grandmother, and she's the only one that I have left.

This blog is longer than I expected it to be... so now it's over. :)

Maria